You have come into my life like a thief in the night!! You have attacked my body like a freight train. I am still learning the ropes and still trying to get a pattern of how you invade my most inner thoughts my body and my private functions. There is no letting up with your attacks. No one knows what it is like to have this invisible yet delibating disease inside of me. Medically they say that you belong to the "Parkinson's family". You have symptoms like " brain fog", "ms hug" and all the nerve pain, etc. You attack swiftly, silently, and painfully. Just when I think I can figure out your attack pattern, you disappear and they give you the name RRMS. (Relapsing-remitting Multiple Sclerosis). Your assaults on my body come in various forms, with such horrible symptoms: pain in the muscles, nerves, and joints. : spasm, stiffness, and muscle cramps: Fatigue: tremors, problems with coordination: numbness and tingling: vision loss and depression. You might even embarrass me by assaulting my bladder functions, that I wet myself because I can't get to the toilet in time. ( slightly) BUT that's ok because I will still stand tall and hold my head up high!! Even if I have to crawl to the toilet, due to you making walking difficult, I will.
The "Brain Fog" might make me look dumb or slow, BUT, the info is stored in my brain, I am just an analog signal now NOT hooked up to digital yet. ( meaning that I may be slow on retrieving basic information, but I will get there). People might not understand the daily battle I fight and not truly understand or think I am a charlatan / lazy and not wanting anything to do with me. That's ok, I am used to rejection.
I ask myself daily "WHY ME!!" But my answer to that is "if not me, then who? I don't wish this on my worst enemy even if I had one. I will learn your modus operandi on the way you invade my body. I will document everything because you are my enemy and the only way to defeat your enemy is to learn more about them. Yes, there are nights that I cry myself to sleep as the pain is indescribable and it's a daily battle to perform most functions that people take for granted. There are new symptoms that you show me every time you invade. That to will be documented. I will get to know you, intimately.
What you don't know is that: All of my life I have fought for everything, from my school days, been called " stupid" by my teachers, throwing epileptic fits, fighting for my daughters, fighting cancer, and been rejected by people because I am different and have a big mouth. There is only one mode I know well and that is to fight tooth and nail, for my Life.
Yes, I might be knocked down for now, BUT just know I am not out, YET. There is still some fight left in me. I might have to accept you as being part of my life, BUT, know this!! You will never defeat me nor destroy my hope. Yes, there will be days that it may appear that you have won, but in reality, you never will. Nowhere there is going to be written that I have let you win. That I gave up the fight because that is not who I am.
So if you see me smiling or have a smile on my face, please don't assume that I am well or not in indescribable pain. Have patience with me as if you knew how hard it is for me to get going in the mornings, you wouldn't find it a joke.
People have said to me that God won't test you more than you can handle!! There is no such phrase, even in the Bible, God allows these things so that we can become solely dependent on Him. I am a warrior and born of a warrior spirit through Jesus Christ. There will be days that I seem rude or aggressive, please forgive me, as I am having an internal war with my body, that I don't mean to fall, but I am human after all.
MS may seem to steal my joy, my happiness, and my spirit, BUT it will never steal my Eternal Hope and Life.
I don't know the remaining chapters of my life, but I assure you that nowhere will it be written that I gave up the fight against MS. You may be in my life now, but you will never own it.
Jesus is my strength when I am weak and you will have to deal with my Mighty God. I don't hate my God for allowing you to invade my body as you do, I will never turn my back on my God, no matter what you throw at me. He is my breath of fresh air, my life, my everything.
So, MS, I am putting you on notice, have your way for now. I will figure out your triggers, your invasion plan and I will fight you with my Mighty God. I am not alone. Jesus is my strength, my Comforter, my One and Only and my every fibre of who I am.
Yours Sincerely
MSWarrior
Iain Batten.